6 scientific tips on how to stop being a perfectionist
In this article on how to stop being a perfectionist at work and in your private life, I will provide you with a synthesis of psychological research on the subject of perfectionism as well as some practical tips to help you better manage the problematic aspects of your perfectionism.
Before moving on to the tips, it is important to understand what perfectionism is and how it is closely linked to self-esteem. This is why some people take advantage of the support of a life coach to facilitate the implementation of their change process.
Definition of perfectionism and the relationship with self-esteem
According to Shafran, Cooper & Fairburn (2002), perfectionism can be defined as “the over-reliance on self-evaluation in the determined pursuit of demanding, self-imposed personal standards in at least one highly important area, despite the negative consequences.”
In line with the model of perfectionism developed by Safran (2002) for perfectionists self-worth and therefore self-esteem is overly dependent on effort and achievement.
This means that their self-esteem is very dependent on their own judgment but also on the judgment of others.
If you are a perfectionist and you can relate to this description, don’t despair!
In this article, I will discuss some tips on how to better manage your difficulties.
If you have problems managing the opinion of others, I suggest you read my article on how to free yourself and protect yourself from the opinion of others.
According to Shafran (2002) even when they achieve their goals, perfectionists tend to attribute their success to external factors. On the contrary, when goals are not achieved, these individuals may implement avoidance coping strategies such as procrastination to protect their self-worth.
According to Rozental (2020), perfectionism is linked to feelings of shame and guilt after failing a task, as well as increased levels of distress and dysfunctional thinking and decreased levels of persistence in trying to complete activities under the threat of evaluation, which reflects some of the self-critical thoughts and counterproductive behaviors that occur during their performance. Similarly, studies show that perfectionists tend to strive for more difficult goals after they have achieved their standards.
In summary, the behaviors of a perfectionist individual tend to be extreme with either difficult goals and over-acting or a complete lack of action. In addition, even when they achieve their goals, these individuals attribute their success to external factors and not to their skills. Finally, perfectionists are very prone to stress on the one hand because they rarely feel they are doing well and on the other hand because they are excessively afraid of the opinion of others.
Now that you have a clearer vision of the characteristics of this behavior, I suggest we move on to my tips on how to stop being a perfectionist in your life.
Here are briefly these tips:
1 – Identify the pros and cons of your perfectionism
2 – Identify the areas of your life that are most negatively affected by your perfectionism and the judgment of others
3 – Overcome procrastination
4 – Become aware of your internal dialogue
5 – Set realistic goals
6 – Improve the quality of your life
1 – Identify the pros and cons of your perfectionism
If you want to stop being a perfectionist, you need to be aware of what you need to change.
Your behavior may have short-term benefits but also long-term drawbacks.
It is important to start writing two lists.
In the first one, you will describe what your perfectionism has allowed you to achieve in your professional and personal life.
Congratulate yourself now without minimizing your abilities and without giving credit for your accomplishments to luck or other people.
In the second list, you will note the major negative consequences of this perfectionism.
Take the time necessary to describe the real impact of your choices.
This represents the price you have paid so far in terms of your health, emotions, finances, etc.
Now ask yourself the following questions:
Am I still willing to pay this price?
Am I still able to bear the consequences of my choices for myself and for the people I love?
If you feel you are ready to change that’s great, if this exercise doesn’t help, go to the next step.
Now describe all the possible consequences of your behavior in one year, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, etc.
Try not to rationalize the real impact of these problems, live them in advance by visualizing them.
Doing this will allow you to become aware of the full extent of your problems and begin to change your life for the better.
It is also important to be aware of your strengths.
As a perfectionist, you have no difficulty identifying your weaknesses.
On the other hand, you are not always able to identify your qualities.
If you want to facilitate this process, I suggest you read my article on how to identify your strengths and weaknesses.
2 – Identify the areas of your life that are most negatively affected by your perfectionism and the judgment of others
You are probably not a perfectionist in all situations.
In fact, since perfectionism is linked to self-esteem and self-esteem varies according to context, your level of perfectionism will not be the same in all circumstances.
In order to identify areas of your life where you are too much a perfectionist, think about the events that are most important to you and at the same time represent a source of stress.
Now examine any behavior that you feel is excessive compared to other areas of your life where you have a more balanced behavior.
For example, identify the tasks:
- that you procrastinate on
- that you spend too much time on
- for which you are never satisfied even though your results are perceived as satisfactory by your professional and personal circle
- linked to important personal or professional goals
- that have a negative impact on you and that makes you feel unpleasant emotions
Once you have identified these tasks, your goal is to find in advance some ways to accomplish what you want to do in less time.
By doing this, you will become more productive and able to accomplish what matters most to you in a shorter period of time and with less stress.
If you want to learn more about productivity, I recommend you read my article on 14 tips for being more productive at work and in your personal life.
3 – Overcome procrastination
Procrastination is one of the negative behaviors that you need to better manage if you want to improve the quality of your professional and personal life.
As Sapadin & Maguire (1996) show, perfectionists procrastinate because of fear of failure or fear of judgment from others.
An effective way to deal with the fear of failure is to become aware of what you consider to be a failure.
Then you need to understand what are the rules that determine your fear of failure.
Most likely, your fear of failure depends on rules that are too difficult to follow.
Finally, you need to redefine new behavioral rules to create a more balanced view of what constitutes failure and success for you.
With these new standards, you will be less influenced by the fear of failure.
If you are going through a period of professional or personal failure, I suggest you read my article on how to bounce back from a failure.
The judgment of others is also another important factor that may be responsible for your tendency to avoid specific actions.
An effective way to overcome the fear of other people’s judgment is to build your self-esteem by implementing different strategies.
Among these strategies, you can relearn to evaluate yourself more fairly by also taking into account the areas of your life in which you have good self-esteem and by giving these aspects of your life the importance they deserve.
To do this, you can identify your most important values and check whether you are living in accordance with them or not.
If not, do whatever it takes to make the changes necessary to live a life consistent with what is right for you.
Doing this will help you build self-esteem.
Another way to evaluate yourself more fairly is to learn to put into perspective the excessive importance you give to areas of your life where you are too much of a perfectionist.
To make this happen, start with how you feel now about that area of your life and the actions associated with it.
Then write down what will be important to you in 5 years, then 10 years, and finally 20 years.
By learning to reconsider your entire life, you will be less likely to be afraid of failure or of being judged by others.
If you want to go deeper into this last topic, I suggest you read my article on how to overcome the fear of other people’s judgment.
To go further on the subject of procrastination, I recommend you read my article 10 tips to stop procrastinating and 11 tips to fight procrastination.
4 – Become aware of your internal dialogue
Psychological research shows that people affected by the negative consequences of perfectionism have a tendency to engage in extremely negative internal dialogue because they focus excessively on the negative elements of their lives and on situations that are beyond their control.
The problem is that as James & al. (2015) show self-criticism is linked to perfectionism and distress.
This means that perfectionists are more exposed to increased stress.
In this sense, Gilbert & al. (2006) show that self-blame for being criticized is a risk factor for depression.
Now that you know that you are exposed to more stress, it is important to understand what the reasons are for this dysfunction.
Howell & al. 2016 show that highly perfectionistic individuals have a stronger preference for negative information than positive information compared to less perfectionistic individuals, but only for stimuli relevant to perfectionism.
O’Connor & al. (2007) show that the ruminative response style (thinking about the same thing over and over again and in its often negative aspects) is an important mechanism that may explain, in part, the relationship between perfectionism and distress.
Egan & al. (2007) show that dichotomous thinking, i.e., the tendency to think in terms of polar opposites – that is, in terms of better and worse – without accepting the possibilities that lie in between, is the most predictive variable of negative perfectionism.
In summary, internal dialogue and more generally the way we think and process information make perfectionist people more affected by stress and its consequences.
What can you do to improve your internal dialogue?
The starting point is always to realize that the way you think, talk and perceive life needs to be modified because it does not help you be happy or achieve your goals.
Then, I suggest you write down on a sheet of paper your internal dialogue, your thoughts, your explanations, and your conclusions.
In short, I suggest you record this information and read it aloud to identify the emotions that arise immediately after you read it.
Write down these emotions and identify the message each emotion brings to you.
Then, use this information and take an action consistent with what you have learned.
You will find that by doing this exercise daily, your internal dialogue will become more balanced.
If you want to learn more about this topic, I recommend you read my article on how to overcome negative self-talk.
5 – Set realistic goals
Perfectionist individuals have the tendency to set goals that are extremely difficult to achieve.
This can be a source of increased stress, especially since when they achieve their goals, perfectionists tend to minimize their accomplishments and attribute their success to external factors.
This phenomenon can be observed in people who suffer from impostor syndrome.
Like any change, it is essential to understand if you have set unrealistic goals for yourself in relation to your current skills and resources.
To identify them, choose the activities that take up the most of your time and that are a source of significant stress for you.
Then, make a list of the resources you have at your disposal to achieve each of your goals.
Your resources are your skills, your knowledge, your material resources, people you know, etc.
Then, decide if the time frame you have set to achieve each of your goals needs to be changed.
Here are some questions you can answer to adjust your goal and the deadline you have set to achieve it.
Is it essential to reach the goal I have set in such a short time?
What will happen if I give myself more time?
What will be the benefits of pursuing a slightly less ambitious goal?
Am I pursuing a goal that may negatively affect other aspects of my life?
Am I focusing all my resources on a goal that is not aligned with my most important values?
Answering these questions will allow you to break out of this negative cycle and set more functional goals.
If you don’t know how to set goals correctly, I suggest you read my article on how to set goals, achieve them and be truly happy.
6 – Improve the quality of your life
One of the major challenges of being too a perfectionist is the inability to feel satisfied with your life even if you have achieved your goals.
One way to deal with this is to better manage the stress caused by not being happy and not taking credit for your own successes.
In this sense, Chen & al. (2016) show that stress and self-esteem play an important role in the relationships between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism and life satisfaction and that self-esteem suppresses the negative effect of stress on life satisfaction.
Perfectionism also influences stress. But some factors have a mediating role.
In this sense, Achtziger & Bayer (2013) show that self-control reduces stress.
If you want to learn how to become more disciplined and improve your self-control, I recommend you read my article on how to become more disciplined.
Fowler & al. 2018 show that one aspect of perfectionism, having high standards for others, positively influences life satisfaction, and encouraging other individuals to maintain these standards is an effective strategy that can foster shared goals and achievements, which in turn can improve overall life satisfaction.
Ferrari & al. (2018) show that self-compassion helps reduce the risk of depression among perfectionist individuals.
Aldea & al. (2010) show that giving tailored feedback to perfectionist individuals reduces distress and emotional reactivity.
Finally, Dixon & al. (2014) show that self-acceptance and forgiving oneself reduce the impact of perfectionism.
In summary, there are several strategies available to you to improve the quality of your life.
You can learn to accept yourself, forgive yourself, and appreciate yourself more.
How can you do this?
For example, by starting to:
- noticing and writing down everything you do well
- appreciating small results
- appreciating other people’s compliments
- praising and rewarding yourself for your accomplishments
- not listening to the opinions of unhelpful people
Conclusion on how to stop being a perfectionist
In this article, I have summarized psychological research on the subject of perfectionism.
At the same time, I have given you some practical tips that will help you improve the quality of your personal and professional life.
What you need to retain from this article is that perfectionism is not bad in itself if it is a source of motivation that allows you to improve over time in order to make progress in your life.
On the other hand, when perfectionism rhymes with a tendency to not feel good enough, to not congratulate yourself for your achievements, to constantly criticize yourself, to be negatively influenced by the opinion of others, and to fall into pathologies, then perfectionism is a real problem.
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Français : Comment arrêter d’être perfectionniste au travail et dans votre vie privée?
Italiano: Come smettere di essere perfezionisti al lavoro e nella vita privata?